I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
