idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
