1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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