Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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