The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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