This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
