Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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