Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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