i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Randomize
