I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
