You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
