New invention idea: vibrating tampons
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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