It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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