he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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