I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
