My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Come on in and take your pants off
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