Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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