So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
