im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
