Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
