I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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