The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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