I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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