i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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