when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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