maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
