You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
