He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
