gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
