Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
