I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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