your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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