nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he fucked my hip out of place.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
