do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
