i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
