I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
