I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
