Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You can't special order awesome
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
