I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
