if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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