There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
