Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
