I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
