He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
that is very illegal...i love you.
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