My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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