Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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