I wannas sexs uuuuu
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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