So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
