I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
