hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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