Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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