Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
