you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
